Saturday, August 25, 2007

666, Sign of the Devil!

Crazy, that is what she was. Pure, unadulterated crazy. And of course she was a frequent flyer, until the day her welcome wore completely out.

The first day I had her as patient, the MD wrote orders for her to have her urinary catheter removed. I'm wondering how I'm going to get to it as I walk into her room (she was a VERY large woman).

"Good News! The doctor says the catheter can come out"

"I don't want it out, I don't want to have to get up to pee."

Blink, blink, "What?"

"I want to keep it, I don't want to have to get out of bed to pee."

"I'll come back later."

"When you come back bring my pain medicine and Xanax."


Later that night......the call light from her room comes on.

"Can I help you?"

"Yeah, is it time for my pain medicine and Xanax yet? And when you come, bring me 6 icecreams, 6 graham crackers and 6 juices."

666, sign of the Devil? I think so.

So, this same scenario went on for weeks. We finally got to the point that every night at 11pm whoever had her as a patient pulled her meds and filled a wash basin with ice, her 6 icecreams, 6 crackers and 6 juices and delivered them to her.

Then the day came for her discharge. Woohoo. Celebration broke out in the nurses station.

"Good News! The doctor says you can go home today!"

"I don't want to go and I'm not going!"


"I don't want to go and I'm not going!"

Blink, blink, "I'll be back"

"When you come back bring my pain medicine and Xanax."

So, this went on for 3 days--I kid you not.

On day 4 the hospital had had enough and someone from patient services came to tell her that if she didn't leave, the hospital would get a restraining order and force her to leave.

She finally gets the message and calls her father to come get her.

He drives up to the front door in a huge pickup truck with a crew cab. Elation is felt that she is finally going home until we realize we have no idea how to get her up in the truck. Several scenarios are tried to no avail. She finally gets mad and says, "Just let me do it myself!" and launches herself head first into the back seat of the truck.
It's 100 degrees outside and she is now stuck head first in the back seat. She's wearing a hospital gown and all you can see is her bare ass sticking out of the truck. Did I mention this is at the front entrance of the hospital?

Security is called. They assess the situation and decide that the best course of action is to call the fire department to get her out. The fire department arrives and after nearly an hour, she is freed, and then..........

SHE TAKES A HUGE DUMP right there on the sidewalk. Did I mention this is at the front entrance of the hospital?

One of the firemen says, "Do you want to take her back in and let her cool off and clean her up?"

"NO, we want you to help us load her up so she can go home."

Much huffing and puffing and straining occurred as the firemen loaded her into her father's truck. We said our goodbyes. There was a tear of joy in my eye.

The firemen were nice enough to follow them home to make sure she got into the house safely.


SpeakerTweaker said...

Alrighty then! That was FUNNY. Thanks to pdb for the referral. And on that note, welcome to my blogroll! If only that carried the weight of, say, AD's blogroll...

I get the distinct impression that part of the reason she was in your hospital to begin with had something to do with the, um, excess weight? Or the SIX ice creams?



phlegmfatale said...


Unbelievable!!! Gee whiz -- WANTING to leave the catheter in? Hell, she needed the exercise of going to and from the bathroom, if nothing else. I mean, it's one thing to be overweight and need lots of help, but being fat and lazy to the point of wanting a catheter so other people have to deal with your bodily fluids? Disgusting! Anyway, thanks for making my job look so much better! :)

jojo said...


jojo said...

Funny! You're a good story teller. Keep 'em coming.

Mark said...

Just added to my daily reading list